Let The Trolling Begin!

Thus it begins

I bet you didn’t think we were actually going to see any script pages. You probably thought I was going to keep teasing you with the promise of pages but never deliver. Well here they are, in all their poorly written glory.

Warning!

I’m going to say this so that it’s said and hopefully it won’t have to come up again.

All work here is original work. I have not begged, borrowed, or stolen any work for this blog. I expect you to do the same. If you steal any of this and call it your own you are an unpleasant person. I’m easy to contact and will happily work with you if you have a desire to use any of this work. Don’t be that guy.

Tally ho!

With that out of the way let’s take a look at the first four pages of the script.

The future

Already I can see that this is going to need some work to refine. The set up dialog bits take too long and lack punch. Harlan is a little bland. The monster scene isn’t clear enough.

For the graphically minded

If you look at the pages you’ll see that the first two pages have a sort of rhythm between dialog and description. This is usually a good thing. It gives the page an inviting texture. The third and fourth pages are a series of one or two line segments. This isn’t so inviting. It makes the page look monotonous. Remember that we want people to read the script. When you look at a page that isn’t graphically inviting it makes it that much easier to stop reading.

Language issues

Using the proper tense in a script is important. It should be written in the present tense. The characters do things rather than did something. There are a few instances of being less active than I would like here.

For example on page 3 the fifth action line reads “The metal mass begins to writhe and take shape.” What does it look like to begin doing something? Something is either happening or it isn’t. What do you look like when you begin walking that is all that different than walking? The line should read “The metal mass writhes and takes shape.” This is a more active statement. We’ll be looking for more opportunities to improve word choices when we start the second draft.

First draft baby!

This is the first draft. I’ll probably continue to review the pages with you and let you know what I think is wrong with them but I won’t be rewriting them now. Instead I’m going to keep going and write the next set of pages. I’m going to keep the forward momentum knowing that I’ll be coming back to these pages to rewrite them in the very near future.

What do you think of the first 4 pages of the script? Not worth the wait? A complete and utter waste of time doomed to failure? There’s a hint of possibility after another dozen drafts or so? It’s brilliant and I should burn the computer because nothing will ever be more perfect than this? Let me know your thoughts. Even if it’s to point out the typo on page 4.

Next time: More pages!